Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Kids' Bloodwork Done and Some Rambling...

I took the kids up to the lab earlier today to get blood drawn. Now the one to two week wait starts until we find out if either of them has cancer or pheos. I'm so scared to hope at this point for any good news. Big B just sat in the chair and let them take the blood like it was no big deal. I was so proud of him. Sis was scared before we even went in. It was rough on her and she freaked out once she got in the chair. She wouldn't turn her head so she wasn't watching them and she just started crying and whimpering before they even started. I just wanted to pull her out of that chair and beg them to stick me instead. I know I can't and it wouldn't matter if I did but this isn't how things were suppose to be. :( She was okay afterwards and we got the kids some shakes on the way home. I figured it was the least Vin and I could do for them now.

Rambling- I just don't know how much more we're suppose to take before I completely lose it. I'm thankful for whatever it is that has helped me make it through the last two months without having a breakdown but I wonder sometimes if the "storm" is coming still. A friend of mine said that this probably IS normal for me as far as my reactions go. She said that with all the abuse I went through throughout my life that my ability to detach from the pain has just carried over to this. I guess that makes sense. I guess I'm even thankful in part. Hell, the doctor cried more yesterday over the kids' results than I did. :(

I hurt and I feel like enough is enough. I told Vin last night that it would be different if I had lived a charmed life and then suddenly been handed this. But man, why has my whole life had to suck so bad and then get handed this too? This is just unreal! I'm not doing the poor me thing either. Anyone who knows me knows how bad my life has been from the time I was little to a few years ago. I can't f'ing believe I made it through all that hellish nightmare just to end up having a damn genetic mutation that causes cancer, adrenal tumors, and all kinds of crap!! And to actually HAVE all three things it causes AND two of my children to have it! It's just unreal! I mean what the hell man?!

The kids are taking it really well. I don't know if they will continue to once things start for them but I'm very proud of them. Vin said that he thought the hardest thing he had ever had to do was tell his grandmother last month that her son had died (for those who don't know, my husband's father died in a drowning accident on October 28th) but he says yesterday topped that. Having to tell the kids the news was the hardest thing he's ever done according to him. For me, I know the hardest parts are still to come. This is only the beginning. :(

Anywho- I decided not to take the Loratab today because I figured the pain from the kidney blockage most likely wasn't all that bad anymore. Man, did I find out just how much they really WERE helping! I've been in some pain the whole time because I can only take half a Loratab (I get very sick if I take a whole one) but they definately took the edge off. I still haven't taken one today. I guess some sick part of me feels like I deserve to be in pain today. I guess somewhere in my mind I figure my kids had to feel pain today so I should too. I don't know to be honest.

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