Dear Body,
I hate you too but I at least TRY to be nice to you so quit being such a painfilled bitch! I don't know if I can ever understand why you felt the need to just quit on so many levels. Yes, we have cancer that can't be cured. Yes, we're missing a bunch of organs. Yes, we're stuck on steroids for the rest of our life and have to worry about sickness. Yes, we have fibromyalgia as well as RLS, Costochondritis, Peripheral Neuropathy, Osteoarthritis, Bursitis, Migraines, and who the hell knows what else. Yes, our life will never be "normal" again. That part hurts and upsets me too. Honestly it does.
But you know what? We're still here. We're still alive to see these kids grow. We're still able to cheer friends on and cry with them when needed. Our eyes work so we can see all the beauty in the world. Our heart works so we can love and appreciate love in return. Our mind may not work as well as we'd like but it remembers our loved ones and our time with them.
We have so much going for us and chronic pain is not the thing hurting me the most right now. It's knowing that you aren't trying to fight anymore. We can't beat this but we can still give it hell. We can still let all these stupid "issues" (we do have enough for a subscription of our own don't we? lol) know that WE aren't quitting or giving up.
I know it's hard. I'm the one inside you crying out most days. I feel your pain and know it's hard but please don't forget that I'm in here too and I want to live. It might not be the life we planned on or wanted but let's still LIVE while we can. I don't want the world to pass us by or leave us behind. I want to be as much a part of it as you can handle. I promise I won't be sad if you do your best.
Just don't give up. Don't quit trying.
Sincerely, The Soul Trapped In You.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Goodbye And Love To Sarah of Spruce Hill Farm
I really hate cancer! Dammit!
It is with much sadness that I tell you we have lost another wonderful, beautiful, cancer mama. Sarah from the Spruce Hill blog's family posted this on Twitter just minutes ago- "Friends: Sarah passed quietly tonight after a long, hard battle. We appreciate all love/support/prayers. Thank you [from her family]".
I want to send my thoughts, love, and condolences to Sarah's family. She was an inspiration to many many others with cancer and will be sorely missed.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
"Average Joe" heroes
As a little girl, my heroes were Wonder Woman and my cool third-grade teacher with the wild hair. Later, they changed to people like Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc, and Eleanore Roosevelt. Okay so I still thought Wonder Woman was da bomb too! When I became an adult though, I quit having heroes. There just wasn't anyone who inspired me anymore.
Then I read the story of Kent and Melony on a parenting board I was on at the time. Melony was the mother of fivc (three by birth and two adopted), a talented artist, and she designed the most adorable outfits for kids. From a distance this woman seemed to live a perfectly charmed life. She just seemed so happy and on top of the world. Soon though I found out how truly amazing her story and life really were.
You see, Kent was fighting a Stage 4 cancer and it had been a pretty rough fight for him. Each update told of a body that was getting weaker yet a soul that was still burning brightly and fighting for all it was worth. Neither of them ever complained about anything and Melony spoke of Kent with so much love that you could actually feel it yourself. Kent showed his love by fighting and refusing to leave his family. All this and more is why they will eternally be my heroes.
Kent taught me that I can never give up because the bottom line is that it's not really about me. It's about my family and loved ones who still need me. I learned to always keep my sense of humor thanks to him. I know now that if he could laugh, smile, and joke with all he was up against then there's no reason I couldn't do the same.
Through Melony, I finally witnessed unconditional love, unwavering faith, and the very epitome of grace. She is the kind of woman I dream of one day being. She never spoke of how hard this must all be on her but instead told about every wonderful and encouraging thing Kent did.
Thanks to Kent and his amazing sidekick, Melony, I have heroes once again. Even though they don't wear masks, tights, or long flowing capes, my "Average Joe" heroes still save the day. And the greatest part of all is that all they had to do was keep being themselves.
*Footnote* Kent passed away at home holding his wife's hand on September 23, 2005. He is sorely missed and will always be "Superman" to myself and many others.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Goodbye and Love to Rivka of Coffee and Chemo.
I am ashamed to say that I just found out today that the world lost a wonderful beautiful soul in Rivka bat Teirtzel from Coffee and Chemo on October 29th after a long battle with her breast cancer.
Rivka always made sure to be not only a mother and wife but also a friend, a voice for moms with cancer, and a shining example of how to fight cancer gracefully.
Rivka, you will be sorely missed and I thank you for reaching out to me during a time that I really needed it. Your example made me reach out to help others as well and I am so thankful for that. I am proud to have known you and will try to carry on your example in my own life.
Light and Love Sweet Friend.
I am ashamed to say that I just found out today that the world lost a wonderful beautiful soul in Rivka bat Teirtzel from Coffee and Chemo on October 29th after a long battle with her breast cancer.
Rivka always made sure to be not only a mother and wife but also a friend, a voice for moms with cancer, and a shining example of how to fight cancer gracefully.
Rivka, you will be sorely missed and I thank you for reaching out to me during a time that I really needed it. Your example made me reach out to help others as well and I am so thankful for that. I am proud to have known you and will try to carry on your example in my own life.
Light and Love Sweet Friend.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Goodbye Daddy
At 1am this morning my wonderful father, Darling Vincent Smith passed away due to complications from his metastatic medullary thyroid cancer. I miss him already but I am so glad I had him in my life even if for a short time.
Love you and miss you, Dad. Thank you for being a part of mine and your grandchildrens' lives. We will always remember you.
At 1am this morning my wonderful father, Darling Vincent Smith passed away due to complications from his metastatic medullary thyroid cancer. I miss him already but I am so glad I had him in my life even if for a short time.
Love you and miss you, Dad. Thank you for being a part of mine and your grandchildrens' lives. We will always remember you.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Finding Strength
When I look back to my life five years ago and think about all the things I would let get to me, I can’t help but laugh. Simple things would make me yell, “My life sucks!” Just daily stuff that we all complain about because we can.
Then my whole life was turned upside down in September 2004 when our new family doctor noticed a large lump in my throat and asked me about it. I told him that I’d had it for many years and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. He felt it was definitely a big deal and immediately ordered blood tests and an ultrasound on my neck.
The ultrasound found four calcified nodules on my thyroid and two weeks later I had a fine needle biopsy done. Shortly after that I had my results- medullary thyroid cancer. It is a rare form of thyroid cancer that leads to testing for a rare genetic disorder. Three weeks later those results came back and I was diagnosed with Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type 2a or MEN2a as its known.
You would think the bottom would fall out on my world and I would completely collapse in a puddle of tears. Here I am not even thirty years old with cancer, plus a genetic disorder that causes MORE cancer. It set me back on my heels but once I found out I wasn’t going to die within the next 6 months, I knew everything would be okay. I cried some, but then I wiped the tears and went on with life. I knew I needed to because I’m the Mommy and I had to be strong for my kids.
Immediately after my diagnosis we determined that my three children (who were 13, 10, and 2 at the time) needed to be tested for MEN2a as well. It is genetic and each child of a person with this disorder has a 50% chance of having it as well. Blood was drawn on all three kids, we crossed our fingers as we waited, and almost a month later we had our results.
That is when my world felt like it was coming apart. It’s one thing to be told that you have cancer and will have to deal with it for the rest of your life but your babies? How can these perfect little people who are your whole world have to deal with this too? I prayed nightly that some miracle would happen and all three children would come back negative but I knew in my heart that our chances were very slim.
I remember the day the endocrinologist gave me the news like it was yesterday. Her exact words were “Your little one, A, he came back negative so he’s fine and will never have to deal with this” then tears started forming in her eyes and her voice broke “but your other two children tested positive, so they have this and will have to be tested and watched for the cancers”. She cried, hugged me, and told me how sorry she was. I cried only a few tears then straightened up; all I could think was “I’ll be strong because I’m the Mom and I just have to be. They need me”.
In January 2005, I had my first surgery removing my adrenal glands and the adrenal cancer. This put me on steroid replacement for life. Two months before my 30th birthday I became a cancer survivor only to start battling another one.
On March 30th, my oldest children both had thyroidectomies. We hoped that we were getting a jump on the medullary cancer before it could start but when the pathology reports came back after surgery we found that the cancer had already started in both of them. My two amazing children were now cancer survivors at almost fourteen and ten. We got to the cancer in time and they will never have to worry about it again, but they will take thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of their lives.
Two months later I had another surgery this time removing my thyroid (and any cancer there), three parathyroids, and any lymph nodes in my neck and shoulders that we could find to clean out as much medullary cancer as we could. This left me with a U-shaped scar that covers most of my neck and thyroid hormone replacement for good. When you think of what I had going in and what I traded it for, I think I’ve made out pretty well and feel proud of these “battle scars”.
We didn’t get all of the medullary cancer in time but I don’t worry about it. In fact, in December 2007 I found out that the cancer had spread to more lymph nodes in my neck, nodes in both armpits, and six little tumors in my lungs. It's okay though because I know I have at least 5 to 10 years with my children and that is more than a lot of people with cancer get. I’ll take any time I’m given and be more than happy with it because it means I get to watch my babies grow. I wouldn’t miss that for the world.
The way I act and live with this disorder sets an example for how my oldest two children will live their lives with it. Knowing that, how could I ever possibly do anything other than be strong? I will be strong because it shows them how to be strong. I will have hope because it means they will face this with hope. I will love life because in turn they will learn to love life too and if they are anything like their mother, they will remember to laugh even when things get hard.
I may be a mom living with cancer but when it comes right down to it, I’m just a mom… living. I choose to fight for life and live it in the best way I can. I hope you do too.
*I wanted to add that I originally wrote this for an ezine called The Whole Mom but found it again and updated it when I was looking for something to include at Mothers With Cancer. Just in case you see it elsewhere on the web.*
When I look back to my life five years ago and think about all the things I would let get to me, I can’t help but laugh. Simple things would make me yell, “My life sucks!” Just daily stuff that we all complain about because we can.
Then my whole life was turned upside down in September 2004 when our new family doctor noticed a large lump in my throat and asked me about it. I told him that I’d had it for many years and no one seemed to think it was a big deal. He felt it was definitely a big deal and immediately ordered blood tests and an ultrasound on my neck.
The ultrasound found four calcified nodules on my thyroid and two weeks later I had a fine needle biopsy done. Shortly after that I had my results- medullary thyroid cancer. It is a rare form of thyroid cancer that leads to testing for a rare genetic disorder. Three weeks later those results came back and I was diagnosed with Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type 2a or MEN2a as its known.
You would think the bottom would fall out on my world and I would completely collapse in a puddle of tears. Here I am not even thirty years old with cancer, plus a genetic disorder that causes MORE cancer. It set me back on my heels but once I found out I wasn’t going to die within the next 6 months, I knew everything would be okay. I cried some, but then I wiped the tears and went on with life. I knew I needed to because I’m the Mommy and I had to be strong for my kids.
Immediately after my diagnosis we determined that my three children (who were 13, 10, and 2 at the time) needed to be tested for MEN2a as well. It is genetic and each child of a person with this disorder has a 50% chance of having it as well. Blood was drawn on all three kids, we crossed our fingers as we waited, and almost a month later we had our results.
That is when my world felt like it was coming apart. It’s one thing to be told that you have cancer and will have to deal with it for the rest of your life but your babies? How can these perfect little people who are your whole world have to deal with this too? I prayed nightly that some miracle would happen and all three children would come back negative but I knew in my heart that our chances were very slim.
I remember the day the endocrinologist gave me the news like it was yesterday. Her exact words were “Your little one, A, he came back negative so he’s fine and will never have to deal with this” then tears started forming in her eyes and her voice broke “but your other two children tested positive, so they have this and will have to be tested and watched for the cancers”. She cried, hugged me, and told me how sorry she was. I cried only a few tears then straightened up; all I could think was “I’ll be strong because I’m the Mom and I just have to be. They need me”.
In January 2005, I had my first surgery removing my adrenal glands and the adrenal cancer. This put me on steroid replacement for life. Two months before my 30th birthday I became a cancer survivor only to start battling another one.
On March 30th, my oldest children both had thyroidectomies. We hoped that we were getting a jump on the medullary cancer before it could start but when the pathology reports came back after surgery we found that the cancer had already started in both of them. My two amazing children were now cancer survivors at almost fourteen and ten. We got to the cancer in time and they will never have to worry about it again, but they will take thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of their lives.
Two months later I had another surgery this time removing my thyroid (and any cancer there), three parathyroids, and any lymph nodes in my neck and shoulders that we could find to clean out as much medullary cancer as we could. This left me with a U-shaped scar that covers most of my neck and thyroid hormone replacement for good. When you think of what I had going in and what I traded it for, I think I’ve made out pretty well and feel proud of these “battle scars”.
We didn’t get all of the medullary cancer in time but I don’t worry about it. In fact, in December 2007 I found out that the cancer had spread to more lymph nodes in my neck, nodes in both armpits, and six little tumors in my lungs. It's okay though because I know I have at least 5 to 10 years with my children and that is more than a lot of people with cancer get. I’ll take any time I’m given and be more than happy with it because it means I get to watch my babies grow. I wouldn’t miss that for the world.
The way I act and live with this disorder sets an example for how my oldest two children will live their lives with it. Knowing that, how could I ever possibly do anything other than be strong? I will be strong because it shows them how to be strong. I will have hope because it means they will face this with hope. I will love life because in turn they will learn to love life too and if they are anything like their mother, they will remember to laugh even when things get hard.
I may be a mom living with cancer but when it comes right down to it, I’m just a mom… living. I choose to fight for life and live it in the best way I can. I hope you do too.
*I wanted to add that I originally wrote this for an ezine called The Whole Mom but found it again and updated it when I was looking for something to include at Mothers With Cancer. Just in case you see it elsewhere on the web.*
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
My Five Year Anniversary
On October 7th, 2004 I was diagnosed with medullary thyroid cancer. Shortly thereafter I was told that someone with it spread as much as mine had was given a 16% statistical chance of making it to 5 years. One doctor told me not to listen to statistics so since then I haven't but I can't help but be excited that...
I've made it to FIVE YEARS!!!!!
I can not even begin to express how excited I am about this. Honestly I never thought the cancer itself would kill me before the five year mark but all the other medical stuff has had me worried. The lack of adrenal glands can get pretty scary (almost dying last year was quite traumatizing) and had me wondering if it was going to cause my time to be up. Making it five more years means my body might be scarred, broken, in pain all the time, and sickly but my spirit is holding it all together just fine. I can't wait for my TEN year anniversary. *smile*
So I just want to thank all my friends who have been with me on this ride. Thank you for the calls, gifts, quilts, love, cards, thoughts, and prayers. You have no idea how much they have meant to me. Thank you for listening to me rant and yes, even cry. Thank you for not giving up even though I know some of you have been scared to death.
Here's to another five years. And then another... and another... and another.... haha.
On October 7th, 2004 I was diagnosed with medullary thyroid cancer. Shortly thereafter I was told that someone with it spread as much as mine had was given a 16% statistical chance of making it to 5 years. One doctor told me not to listen to statistics so since then I haven't but I can't help but be excited that...
I've made it to FIVE YEARS!!!!!
I can not even begin to express how excited I am about this. Honestly I never thought the cancer itself would kill me before the five year mark but all the other medical stuff has had me worried. The lack of adrenal glands can get pretty scary (almost dying last year was quite traumatizing) and had me wondering if it was going to cause my time to be up. Making it five more years means my body might be scarred, broken, in pain all the time, and sickly but my spirit is holding it all together just fine. I can't wait for my TEN year anniversary. *smile*
So I just want to thank all my friends who have been with me on this ride. Thank you for the calls, gifts, quilts, love, cards, thoughts, and prayers. You have no idea how much they have meant to me. Thank you for listening to me rant and yes, even cry. Thank you for not giving up even though I know some of you have been scared to death.
Here's to another five years. And then another... and another... and another.... haha.
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