Friday, October 07, 2005

It's My One Year Anniversary Today

Today it has been exactly one year since I received my cancer diagnosis. All these thoughts roll through my head and all these things I want to say but I just can't. I remember how scared I was when the doctor told me the news. I was so afraid that I wouldn't make it to Christmas. I thought this was my punishment for something I had done wrong somewhere in my life. It hit me so far out of left field you would have thought I was playing a whole different ball game. I never expected it is the least I can say.

I remember wondering what was going to happen to my kids. Would they get to stay together with me gone? Would they think kindly of me? Would the oldest two hate me for screwing up their lives so badly? Would Lil Man even remember who I was? Would they miss me after a few months? I didn't want to leave my babies and I sure as hell didn't want to go out like that. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever have cancer and definately not a rare one.

I also felt so much sadness for all the "wastes" in my life. The years I wasted with stupid men, the years moving my kids to survive, the years I put up with my family, ... just everything that in reality was worthless that I had spent so much time on. I wanted all of that time back so I could redo them with my kids.

Now a year later, well I know I won't die before Christmas. Neither last year nor this year and I know that I now have 5-15 years left. I know that I have many things in my life that I need to change before it's too late. I know that I need to make sure I tell my kids I love them more. I know I need to actually LIVE my life instead of letting it pass me by. I haven't accomplished much this past year, just gone through the motions of having surgeries, getting kids' surgeries, doctors' appointments, bloodwork, and so on. Not much time for whooping it up but I hope that the coming year will be good to us and that maybe we can finally be allowed to enjoy our lives and time together.

Do I wish I didn't have to live the rest of my life with cancer? Of course I do who doesn't? But when I think of how much worse it could be I can't help but be thankful that at least I got one that wasn't progressive so I still have time to right a few wrongs in my life. It's more than many get and I know that. So thank you to whoever holds the string that is my life. I honestly appreciate being given another chance.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Beautiful Jo..and I am so grateful everyday that I have the opportunity to know you.